A friend forwards me the link to an article: The 10 Best Places to Meet a Man.

“Saw this and thought of you,” she writes.

Ever game, I click on the link. It’s an American article, so I expect there to be a few cultural differences, but … fine, let’s read it anyway. Who knows, perhaps there are swathes of hitherto inaccessible menfolk, just waiting for me to read this article and seek them out.

So, let’s see … where should I be looking for my Prince Charming?

1. Men’s clothing store
Studies show less than 15% of men buy clothes online, therefore, it is reasonable to think that a men’s store would be a good choice.

Well, yes, but what do I do in a men’s clothing store? There’s only so long you can drift idly round the trouser section, vaguely thumbing the fabric. Plus, what studies don’t show is that 80% of the guys shopping instore are doing so with their designated lady. And anyway, won’t any guys in there assume that I’m shopping for my man at home? Why else would I be in a men’s clothes shop?

Maybe I’m just not trying hard enough, but I’ve NEVER picked up a man in a clothes shop. Ever.

2. Interstate train
I have personally witnessed a gold mine of men in my state-to-state excursions, all handing out business cards like people handing out free fried chicken at the shopping mall food court.

And herein cultural difference number one: we Brits are notoriously reluctant to speak to strangers unless it’s absolutely necessary. Besides, I only really take the train to London, and that’s full of financial whizz-kids barking self-importantly into their mobile phone. I can just imagine the reaction if I tried to start up a flirty little conversation with one of them…

3. Online dating sites

Hold it right there. Been there, done that. Ran away.

4. At the gym

Setting aside the debacle of the Darkly Intriguing Man From The Gym for just a moment, I should probably mention that the photo accompanying this entry is of a hot-to-trot guy straining to press what’s no doubt an impressive weight on some machine, while a simpering female stands by showing her admiration, her pert bosom just inches from our heroic gym-goer’s nose. Um … next!

5. The Apple store

Oh, please.

6. High-end supermarkets
Anyone spending that much money on groceries is serious about their health and he can probably cook!

I concur. Sadly, I can’t afford to shop there. And I believe you can be arrested for loitering.

7. Annual events
This one is simply about math, a big event means big attendance.

Aha! Now this one I like. I just need an invite. Offers, please…

8. Facebook

??!!

9. An educational setting
Let’s face it, a smart man is a sexy man…

I couldn’t agree more. But in my time I’ve attended language classes, fitness classes, dance classes, business classes – you name it. And every time I’ve met some fabulous girls. But never once a single guy below pensionable age.

10. A volunteer project
When we volunteer, we dedicate our time towards our passions and values. There is no better qualifier to meet “Mr. Right” than our values.

Hold on. Does that last sentence even make sense? Anyhow, in principle it’s not a bad idea, but I must admit I was looking for a quick-fix solution, rather than a long-term investment of time that I don’t really have. My bad.

To be honest, although this sort of article is well-meaning, it just sets you up to fail. If you’re going to meet the love of your life in a supermarket, it’s surely going to be by chance, not by design. You can’t tip the hand of fate by hanging out in the sportswear section, because “logic” says that’s where all the hot, sporty men are hanging out, too.

And you can hang around the Apple store all you like but you’re more likely to arouse the suspicion of the staff than meet the man of your dreams.

Anyway, surely what I need is a copy of The 10 Best Places to Meet a Woman. Once I know where the guys are searching, it’ll be a cinch to go where the hunters hunt…

Hmmm. I’d like to be convinced, but if I’m honest, I’ve got more faith in getting a t-shirt printed.

“Single and searching” – here I come.